Parents don’t enjoy lives
Q: My parents have been married 25 years, but there is little to celebrate. There is no communication or companionship, let alone romance between them, and it has been this way for a long time.
They are close to pension age. They recently sold their farm as the work was becoming too much for them. Mom was looking forward to retirement, as she has lots of hobbies she enjoys doing, but never had time for. But she rarely gets around to these as she seems to still have a lot of work to do.
Read Also
Volunteers help exotic animal farm rebuild
Exotic animal farm loses beloved camel and pony to huge hail storm that gripped the Brooks, Alta. area as a community member starts a fundraiser to help the family recover from the financial and emotional damage.
Dad has no real interests, but found himself a labor-intensive job to keep occupied. Mom doesn’t like this. He’s away at work all day and tired when he comes home. She wants to enjoy retirement with him, and not have him off working. They both worked all their lives. They should be enjoying their retirement.
When Dad is home, he mostly sleeps or watches television. They rarely go out as a couple. They don’t interact socially with others much. They never have. Unless Mom suggested going out, Dad would never even think of it.
Mom was quite ill recently. During this time Dad expressed an interest in moving to a smaller, easier-to-manage house in a nearby community. Mom was in favor. But once she got better, that idea was dropped. Mom would like being in this other town. She can’t drive because of medical problems.
I’m their only child. I feel it is up to me to get them to enjoy their lives more. Now seems to be the logical time for this, but it seems they’re putting life on hold again. How can I help them to realize that life is passing them by? I want them both to enjoy a happiness they have never known, and to enjoy being together. It does no good when I talk to them. Both are set in their ways and can’t see a possibility of change.
A: When you are an only child, you may not have siblings to fight with about your concerns for your parent’s well-being. But you also don’t have anyone to talk it over with who understands the situation. I suspect your parents’ marriage was coasting for years. And things only coast in one direction, slowly and downhill.
Their retirement hasn’t brought about positive changes in their lives because they aren’t actively pursuing such changes. They just continue coasting. And it’s often easier to exist within a ho-hum non-satisfying relationship than it is to work at bringing about changes in it. Changes are hard to start, take a lot of effort to keep going and are seen as threatening. The status quo may not be so hot, but it’s not as scary as the unknown.
Help from others
Your parents need some coaching in communication, particularly with respect to emotions and desires. But they “gotta wanna” or nothing will happen. There are people in your community who could help. There are also excellent resource books about improving communication.
I realize you want to do what you can for your parents. The sad news is that this likely isn’t going to be very much. You might bring this article to their attention, suggest that it is about a couple similar to them, and ask them to think about it.
I suspect your Dad finds most of his meaning in life from being productive. For your Mom, it’s likely from being a good housekeeper. That’s not unusual and is fine. But to really enjoy life people need to add some new dimensions to it. If finances permit, travel is a great one. Reading and studying, enjoying nature and the outdoors are others.
It is normal for couples to have some different personal hobbies and interests, but it is the ones they cultivate together that help the relationship grow. It may bother you that they are stuck in a rut with their lives and their marriage. But you can’t push them out. They have to decide to do that for themselves.
