Farm family has conflicts
Q: One son has always farmed with me. The other has always helped out at harvest, and recently moved closer to home where he could help even more. The first son and I have got so uptight with each other that he wouldn’t spend Christmas with us, or invite us to his place.
A few years ago we split the land into three, with the first son renting his brother’s land. However, this son has got kind of lax and hasn’t taken harvest seriously. The drop in price and in the grade the last couple of years meant we didn’t get much of a return at all, not enough to live on.
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Also, I still own all the machinery, which both sons use and expect to use. But everything, including the renting of land and the use of equipment is only a verbal agreement. Things need to change. How can we get this first son to smarten up and co-operate without destroying everything?
A: I sense you wrote to me looking for a relationship solution to the problem, rather than legal information. And this is exactly how I am handling it.
However, it appears to me that since there is no binding written agreement by either you or your second son, the cards are mainly on your side should a legal conflict result. See a lawyer for appropriate professional advice.
If you confront your first son about his attitude and insist on better co-operation, there is always the chance you will alienate him and he may isolate himself more from you, your wife and his brother in retaliation.
What are your alternatives? Well, it seems you can’t do anything about the land you gave your first son. And you can’t do anything if he chooses to react like a child rather than an adult. You can only be responsible for yourself. For if you aren’t, you only allow that son to emotionally blackmail you, your wife and your other son.
A lot cheaper than lengthy court battles is mediation to resolve family and legal conflicts. It can be offered to your son as a way of trying to improve family relationships and resolve whatever problems he may perceive. It will cost some money to hire a trained family mediator.
That mediator may have to sell your son on the value of becoming involved, but it may be well worthwhile in the long run. You can access such people either through family service agencies or mediation service agencies.
As far as persuading your son to become involved in mediation, you hold the trump card that may encourage him to consider using it – the use of your equipment and access (should his brother be agreeable) to farming his brother’s or part of your land.
Don’t be afraid to use this card. You aren’t being cruel. You are just presenting your son with reality.
