MSW, RSW
Relationship with ex bothers spouse
Q: I began a live-in relationship with a man a year ago. We plan to be married in the near future. For the past two months, a woman with whom he had a relationship for a couple of years has been calling every week. He sees no harm in this and has long conversations with her. I think this shows a lack of respect to me and to our relationship. What is your view?
A: This is a tough one. I hope you told your partner you were writing me. Both of you have to be honest with each other about your needs in the relationship without putting each other down.
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If a person has children by previous partners, the needs of the children require ex-partners to be in touch regularly.
However, problems can develop if an ex-partner contacts you and wants to “be friends,” particularly when you are building a relationship with someone else.
I refuse to be judgmental on this issue. I have known people who have been able to have friendships with their ex-partners without getting into emotional or sexual involvements. This requires three people being able to handle it and respect whatever boundaries are important. I have also known relationships where contacts with an ex-partner created problems.
My concern is with your boy-friend’s former partner. Does she still have an emotional interest in him? Is she being honest with him and herself? Since she is the one taking the initiative to call, it’s important to know what she expects.
There is no harm in him having long conversations with her, providing he can maintain an appropriate emotional distance.
However, his long conversations with her cause you stress. You can reduce this anxiety by trusting him and being confident in him to handle things appropriately. But it’s equally important for him to recognize you are stressed and make changes in how he handles the situation to help reduce anxiety.
He can put limits on how long he talks to his ex-partner to prevent her from becoming too attached or dependent on him. He can limit what he discusses with her on the phone so nothing private between him and you is passed on to her.
He might even consider having you around while he talks to her, not so you can be a censor, but to help you realize and understand he is trying to handle his conversations with her without showing any disrespect towar you.
I recommend Peoplemaking by Virginia Satir, and How One Of You Can Bring The Two Of You Together, by Susan Page.
