Getting away from abuse
People may find themselves in situations where they are being abused, in a dating or marriage relationship, within a family, or even at work. Although all abuse is wrong, and the abused person is not responsible, they are often the ones who have to initiate the first steps to end the abuse.
An abuser gains a sense of power and authority from their actions so there is often no motivation or incentive to stop it. Abusing works for them. They get to be in charge and to get what they want. So why should they change?
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Here are some ideas that persons being abused can take to stop it:
- Become aware of the fact you are being abused. Too often people just assume they deserve to be treated the way they are. Nobody deserves to be abused. Watch out for false ideas or thoughts that can prevent you from realizing what is happening.
Common ones are: 1) You can excuse the abuse because the kids need a father. 2) Your partner has convinced you that no one else would ever want you. That’s an opinion. It’s not the truth. 3) Your partner apologizes and then expects you to forget his abuse. You want to believe he will stop but he doesn’t. 4) You feel embarrassed by the fact he abuses you, so you hide it from everyone.
- Look at your options. What can you do about a situation that protects you and doesn’t expose you to further abuse? This is hard. Many women fear that if they leave their mate, he’ll track them down and treat them worse. Consider phoning a counsellor, calling 911, or finding support services for people who are abused.
- Make a decision after thinking through your options or writing them down (but keep them in a safe and private place.) Choose what seems the best option. There is no perfect option. Every choice has some consequences. Another choice is to do nothing. It seems easiest at the time, but does nothing to stop the abuse.
- Next, make a concrete plan, based on the choice you have made. Build in safety features. If you are going to confront your partner, do it in front of a witness so he can’t deny it or hold it against you in the future, or physically attack you.
If you need to get away without him knowing, arrange a time when it is safe. If you will need to have some communication with him about children or finances, set up a third party intermediary to do this.
Finally, after you set out your plan, and hopefully reviewed it with someone you trust, then do it. The abuse won’t stop on its own.
If you are having trouble with some aspect of your life write to Peter Griffiths in care of this newspaper. Griffiths is a mental health counsellor and member of the Canadian Mental Health Association. Letters appearing in this paper may be edited to protect the writer’s identity, however all are based on authentic letters.
