Dealing with stress of illness
Q: My husband’s father has just been diagnosed with cancer. My husband is emotionally close to his father who lives down East now. We can’t afford too many airplane trips. So our main contacts with them have been on the phone or by mail. How can I help him and his parents cope with this stressful situation?
A: Cancer is a difficult illness for families to deal with because of the uncertainty of whether or not it can be controlled. It’s also hard for a person suffering from cancer, because he or she often has to decide how aggressively to attack the illness. This is something your father-in-law and mother-in-law must decide. They may also want to discuss this with your husband and their other children. If so, try to arrange for him to be there in person. Visiting our parents is always important, especially when they live far away, and even more so in the case of declining health.
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Doing everything you can when cancer is first detected is the best and most usual medical practice. Some cancers can be removed surgically or by radiation. Others can’t. When it appears that the cancer has initially been beaten, patients and family are stunned if some years later, cancer re-appears, often in another part of the body.
People fighting cancer need good physical, emotional and spiritual care. The more positive they can feel, despite the impact of cancer on their life, the better they tend to cope.
People need to accept the reality of cancer in their life. But they also need to keep a positive outlook on life and their relationships with others. This is why family contact is so important. But, don’t focus on the cancer in your visits. Focus on your family, and share all those things about the farm, grandchildren, even dead batteries, that families normally talk about.
All our lives will end at some point. For some people, cancer will be the illness that ends it. For others, it will be something else. But the most important thing in all situations is to focus on the quality of life and our relationships with others, rather than letting ourselves be paralyzed by fear and apprehension.
Encourage your in-laws to get in touch with the Cansurmount group in their area. This group provides support and practical information for people who live with the impact of cancer on their lives. If there is a chapter reasonably close to you, get involved as well. Cansurmount is for anyone and can help them handle the stress of cancer in the family.
Scheduling both trips and phone calls can give you the maximum time or contact with your in-laws. If you and your husband are self-employed in farming, you’ll have some periods when it is easier to get away than others. If he or you work for someone else, I hope your employers will be sensitive and co-operative in letting you get away when you need to.
Using excursion flights, or watching for seat sales, can keep the cost down. Also, thankfully, the long distance rate wars are continuing, which helps families like yours a great deal.
Planning and scheduling your contacts with your in-laws are important. If the phone rings unannounced, people sometimes can’t think of what to say at the moment. But if a regular time is set for phone calls, both you and them can set up your agendas for talks in advance.
Instead of being surprised by the ringing phone, you look forward to it, and feel good even before you pick up the receiver. Invest in a speakerphone for your home if you don’t have one. It allows everyone to talk to them as if you were all in the same room.
