Speaking up for yourself
Q: I have a good friend who is a great conversationalist. She shares a lot of ideas, but only when she is with me and our other women friends. When men are around, especially her husband, she hardly ever says a thing. Why is this so?
A: Married people actually live in three worlds. One is the world of their private marriage relationship, with only the husband and wife together. Quite often much of what is shared in that situation is very personal, the inner feelings and thoughts that are confided in only one other person, your bedmate and your soulmate.
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The second is the world that each partner has apart from her/his spouse. This is where a woman or a man can speak as an individual, not necessarily as a partner. And of course, the nature of what is shared is often different for men and women. Women need social conversation to meet their emotional needs and maintain friendships. They usually use other women to meet this need. Although men have the same emotional needs, most men have buried them and aren’t even aware of them. And if those needs are also buried in the private life of his marriage, the marriage is usually in trouble.
Feel self-conscious
Once men and women get together, particularly in public, the issue of power, dominance or control comes into effect. Many men like to or need to feel they are in charge, know everything and can handle everything. Women sense this need, false though it may be and so may hold back from expressing feelings and ideas in their husband’s presence in public. They may be afraid of embarrassing their partner. They may feel self-conscious of being seen as knowing too much, or knowing things that are supposed to be a man’s business.
A confident woman who is in a mutually confident relationship need not be submissive and quiet. She can express feelings and ideas openly, even if they differ from her husband’s. But for her to do this, her husband has to be a mature, confident individual who is not threatened by his wife’s opinions. That kind of man tends to be rare, and even rarer among farmers. When a farm woman is quiet and submissive, she is likely looking after her own interests, since she is fearful or anxious about rocking the marital boat.
Women can learn to speak up. They must start within the privacy of their marriage. They need to educate their husbands about the fact that differing with their idea is not a personal attack, but rather a means for their husband to gain another viewpoint.
I would suggest that a wife negotiate with her husband about which topics are private and which are open and public. Make this boundary fairly clear so that there can be no accusations in the future that it was crossed. To help women prepare for this task and challenge, it would be useful to have such topics dealt with at women’s meetings and institutes.
