Spouse’s pain ignored
Q: We have money problems, mainly due to cash flow. The stress on me is enormous. It isn’t so much not being able to pay bills, since they will be paid in time. It is the phone calls and letters from creditors that upset me. Add to this the fact that my husband is away a lot because of business.
I recently found out he had a couple of affairs. When I confronted him, he tried to blame the business pressures, or my being tense with him. Then he falsely accused me of having an affair. I thought he might be remorseful, but he isn’t. He is just ignoring the problem, hoping it will go away.
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We haven’t had sex for some time. I don’t think I could. I’d have thoughts of these other women in my head and would compare their looks or bodies to mine. I am surprised I haven’t said to heck with it and had an affair myself.
I loved this man with my whole being. When I learned about the affair, I actually felt pains in my chest. We were so close and so in love for well over 10 years. Then this happened.
I wrote down some things for him to read, like why I am like I am, and my thoughts and feelings about grief and mourning. He hasn’t acknowledged my notes to him. He just carries on as if I hadn’t written them. He doesn’t seem to understand that I need some way of closing this episode in my life. I feel my marriage has died and that divorce is the only way out.
I feel I need to get out of this relationship. It is destroying me. I’m not the same person any more and I don’t like this. I hurt, I am sad, I’m frustrated and I am angry. The terrible part is that I was going to forgive him if he had asked, but his asking has been too long in coming. It’s sad because I love my life, my work, my home, my friends and my community. I need to divorce and get on with my life. I also want to remain in our area. This can be difficult when farm assets are divided into two.
Why did it take me so long to decide what to do? Why doesn’t he acknowledge my feelings? Why do I hurt so much? Why did he do what he did? Why doesn’t he desire me? Was the fact that I was miserable because of our financial troubles a good enough reason for him to fool around? Am I right to leave? Why does he say he still loves me, because we have been together so long, but that he still needs time? I feel used. He messed around and I’m paying for it. Help me. I want to stop crying.
A: I can understand your pain. You are trying to work through your grief. Your husband is blocking this by not being honest with you about his mistakes. In his mind, he is still justifying his actions, even though they were obviously wrong. Men tend to block feelings of accountability and responsibility for their actions by minimizing the problem, denying they did anything wrong, or even blaming someone else (usually their partner) for what they did wrong.
You are not responsible for his actions and his affairs. He chose to get into them. You are responsible for taking care of yourself and your family. Contact a counsellor in your area immediately, through your family doctor or the public health nurse.
If your husband wants any hope of saving your marriage, then he will likely have to agree to a separation, which would give you space and time to heal. If this is done informally, there is no need to divide all the matrimonial property immediately, unless the farm itself is failing and you need to get out of it what you can.
Your husband needs to get help for himself, something he, like most men, may only do when his back is against the wall.
