Q: Do vacations have to always be taken with someone else? I love my partner and my kids. I enjoy travelling with the entire family and seeing the kids have fun. I also enjoy the emotional and physical intimacy of holidays with just my spouse. But at times, I feel the need to get away by myself. If I do, I often feel guilty. Why is that?
A: People are creatures of habit, and not only do we impose these habits on ourselves, but we often expect others to follow them as well. Vacations and holidays are usually social events, things we do with other people.
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Close quarters
Our first holidays are as children, being taken places and exposed to different experiences by our parents. But an entire family travelling together can easily get on each other’s nerves. Besides the fun they are having, there is also the congestion and lack of personal freedom or privacy.
Getting our two children to share a bed in the motel (to avoid renting two rooms) was not always a relaxing situation. After all, they were used to their own beds at home and just didn’t make the adjustment easily or quickly. And despite how much you may love your children, vacation trips, particularly those during which you are always on the move and always under-foot of each other, can create stresses and tensions that hinder the enjoyment of the holiday.
If and when it is possible, I recommend couples try to break their holidays into two portions, one part as a family and the other as a couple. Couples need some rest and recreation from parenting as well as their jobs.
Another useful tactic is for one parent to head off with one child at a time for a holiday. I did this for years with my children. I found much joy in sibling conflict-free holiday periods. Each child got my undivided attention.
A third kind of holiday, if used appropriately and negotiated with your partner, can benefit everyone. One partner goes on a trip or a break by himself or herself. This is often related to seasonal sports, such as golfing, skiing, hunting or fishing.
These breaks usually work out fine provided they are negotiated with one’s partner and there is some form of reciprocity. But anyone who takes such holidays without agreement with their partner is being rude, inconsiderate and even abusive.
On your own
There’s an even better kind of vacation excursion which most people don’t often think about taking. That is the solitary holiday, a recharging and relaxation retreat. I often did this on weekends, going up to a friend’s cabin at a northern lake. The two or three days were occupied with my favorite music, CBC radio, reading and walking. And I came back refreshed. I get more holidays than my spouse, so I often drive out to Vancouver to enjoy theatre, restaurants, walking and hiking, and may even write up my columns there, which as a matter of fact, is what I am doing right now.
So a holiday or vacation can be anything you like to do, in any way, as long as it meets your needs and also respects the needs and wishes of other members of your family.
If you are having trouble with some aspect of your life write to Peter Griffiths in care of this newspaper. Griffiths is a mental health counsellor and member of the Canadian Mental Health Association. Letters appearing in this paper may be edited to protect the writer’s identity, however all are based on authentic situations.
