Who controls how you feel
Q: My marriage is not good, but I’ve decided to put up with the verbal and emotional abuse since we can barely meet our expenses as a couple, least of all as two singles.
My husband believes he handles things well. He doesn’t. It’s always everyone else’s fault, bad luck or the government’s doing that results in things not working out.
I realize outside events influence a person’s efforts, but I feel everyone is responsible for how they respond to life’s problems. Nobody has a perfect life, regardless of how it appears to others. Yet, some people can be happy with things as they occur. They are more accepting of life’s ups and downs.
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My husband isn’t. He goes on and on, until I can hardly stand to listen. If I say anything, he’s mad, and he says it’s my fault because I made him mad. I don’t accept that thinking, but he believes it fully.
In your columns, you have said we need to tell our partners, “I feel badly when you talk to me like that.” Well, he doesn’t care how I feel. It seems he wants me to feel badly. So I try to ignore the ranting about everything. I know I’m not responsible for his actions, although he believes others can make him feel this way or that way.
He likes to totally control everything I do. Hopefully, in time, my husband will be under less stress, and be able to relax. Perhaps that’s a false dream. Chances are he’ll never change, but I have my faith in God to give me strength and courage.
Young people need to be taught about healthy relationships and how to deal with others through courses at school. Marriage is such a complex relationship, not only based on sexual satisfaction, but on friendship, on understanding that there are differences in every person, and on an openness to a partner’s ideas and feelings.
If a person doesn’t agree with my husband’s ideas, then they are stupid. If I disagree with him, there is a blowout. I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, and there are usually many ways to solve a problem. I can’t talk about my marriage with my friends. They wouldn’t believe me, or would say, “Well, what are you doing to cause the blowup?”
A: I’m glad you have your faith in God. From what you’ve told me I don’t have much faith in your marriage getting better just because your husband has less stress.
Men treat their wives in response to what they believe. If men believe that everything is miserable, they will behave miserably to their wives. If they believe the world is against them, they will be defensive and argumentative. They may put on a front of niceness in the community, but their wives will get the brunt of their real selves at home.
Friends and relatives are often blind to a man’s abusive behavior to his wife. Just as a man denies he is being abusive or blames his partners, so do friends and relatives.
People learn about marriage from many sources including television, advertising, religion and their families. And what they learn is often very poor.
I, too, would like to see more education about relationships in schools. There is some, but it is not enough. The Canadian Red Cross Society is active in some provinces with dating abuse prevention and child abuse prevention programs, with trained volunteers who do presentations to students in schools. In preparing a young person for life we must develop their relationship skills as much, if not more, than their academic skills.
Some readers have complained that too many of my columns deal with spouse abuse. That’s because it is more common and prevalent than people want to recognize. I have spent 12 years working with abusive husbands. If we worked more with young people, the demand for this type of work might eventually decrease.
