Parenting and gardening
Most farmers and gardeners have learned, often by trial and error, that if you plant seeds too deep they won’t germinate. The seeds have to fight so hard to get to the top of the soil that they just give up and die.
The same situation applies when parenting. The more you try to impose or push an idea on a child, the more likely they will reject it, even if it is a good one. They become upset with you, not the idea. But since you and the idea are being presented together, the child often doesn’t want anything to do with either.
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An effective parent sets and enforces limits and consequences. He or she avoids lecturing or moralizing at the child, for that only plants the seed of the parent’s idea so deep the child won’t get it or will fight it off.
Children often resent the ideas that are presented by their parents, but will whole-heartedly support the same idea if it comes out of their own head. The parent may plant the seed of the idea, but the child has to pick it up through experience in order for it to become his or her idea.
We all want our children to do things at times. We often have some good ideas to share with them. But nobody likes being told what to do, regardless of whether the information given is helpful or not.
Creates a wall
Phrases like “I wish you would,” “you should” or “can’t you,” guarantee that the child will not even hear what comes next, or if they do, will resent it or rebel against it. Nobody likes being told what they should be feeling.
If a child doesn’t have a choice in a certain situation, be up front and say so. If they do, then let them know clearly that they are free to accept it or not. Don’t offer ideas to the child, and then get upset if he or she doesn’t accept them. After all, an offer is only an offer if you are free to reject it.
But that is not enough. You have to make sure you don’t share the same information later on, even though they heard you, and turned it down earlier.
If you keep pushing the same idea, you only drive it deeper into the ground where it lies buried and can’t grow. What you may see as only encouraging a child or teenager to use your idea or suggestion may be seen by him or her as being pushy.
Many seeds germinate if they are simply left on the ground. After all, this is how all the wild plants re-seed themselves. And for centuries, people didn’t plant their seeds into the ground. They broadcast or sowed them directly on the ground. A lot of those seeds germinated and grew into healthy plants, or we wouldn’t have them today.
Try that with your ideas and suggestions as a parent and see if the same thing happens.
