Hurting is easy, healing is hard
It only takes a moment to injure yourself. But anyone who has experienced a serious physical injury knows it can take a long time for the body to heal itself. A leg that breaks in a second takes weeks or months to heal from the injury. You may become impatient with your body but that doesn’t speed up the healing. There is a process and schedule for all healing. At times, your impatience may even delay the natural healing process.
It only takes a moment to injure someone emotionally. A cruel moment, an unfair attack, a put-down comment or totally ignoring someone will most likely result in hurt and pain.
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But because the harm isn’t as evident as a physical injury, many people expect to immediately get over their own hurt or to be immediately forgiven by others for the hurts they cause.
Such ideas are as foolish as that of expecting a broken bone to mend itself within minutes. Hurt is hurt, whether it is physical or emotional. Hurt takes time to heal. Hurt has a process of healing.
If you feel hurt, you need to acknowledge that. Otherwise, it continues to eat away at you. You also may need to feel safe enough to talk about your hurt with the person who hurt you.
If the hurt is great, or your fear of that person is great, that may be difficult. Alternatively, you may need to talk over that hurt with someone else who is safe and supportive. Talking out the hurt is part of the process. You may need to talk it out many times. You also need, once you are ready, to talk to yourself about that hurt and see when and how you can let go of it.
If you have been hurtful, the same process of healing applies. You need to accept your actions, without any type of excuse or justification. For, without full acceptance of your hurtful actions, and your full responsibility for them, you will never deal with them.
Admit responsibility
You may want to make amends. Saying “I’m sorry” isn’t an effective way of doing this. It can easily sound like an excuse or a desire for a “quick fix.” If the person you hurt is willing, acknowledge your full responsibility for the hurtful actions. Don’t say, “I feel badly,” or “I feel horrible.” Those comments only focus self-centredly on you.
Instead, share your feelings of concern for the harm you have done. Admit that you cannot undo what you did. Tell them what you plan to do in the future to avoid repeating that action and that hurt. Honest reassurance about the future is much better than only apologizing for the past.
Healing does take much longer than hurting. But the rewards that can be gained from being patient and considerate are just as great as being able to run in a race after having broken your leg.
