Q: I am not sure what to do about our neighbours. The husband and wife fight most of the time. I do not think that I have seen a house as filled with contempt as theirs is. But when I try to talk to them about it, they ask me to leave them alone. Can you think of anything that I can do to help them?
A: As I see it, you are wrestling with two problems. The first is what to do about your neighbours. Despite your concern, you cannot get involved in their problems unless they invite you to do so. To offer your advice or support without their permission would likely cause more problems.
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Sometimes we have to have faith that people will work through their difficulties themselves, and that they will ask for help when they are prepared to accept it.
The contempt that your neighbours have for each other is a significant problem. Studies from the University of Washington tell us that researchers can predict divorce with 80 percent accuracy simply by looking at the amount of contempt couples have for each other. Individuals who can disagree with each other without contemptuous feelings are likely to stay married.
While you cannot do much about your neighbours’ problems, you can check to see if your own marriage is working for you. To keep a loving relationship with your husband, remember those first few moments of romance when the two of you met, when he was the most wonderful person who ever entered your life.
Of course, recalling the early days of a relationship is just the start. The process for fondness cannot stop there. The more you learn to appreciate each other for the daily responsibilities each of you do such as taking out the garbage, cleaning the house, tending to the children, trimming the yard and buying Christmas presents, the more likely it is that you will carry on with each other in a relationship you each can enjoy.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
