The hazard of aging is that fewer people give us credit for making decisions for ourselves.
Suggestions made to our aging parents often become more than suggestions. They evolve into recommendations about what our parents should be doing, and when those aging parents decline invitations to wherever it is, they are accused of being stubborn, perhaps even incompetent.
Families and friends who are making the suggestions seldom have a grasp of everything that is going on inside the aging person’s life. If they were more aware, they might appreciate the decisions that Grandma and Grandpa are making.
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None of this is done from spite. Perhaps that is what makes the whole thing so difficult. Families and friends watch their aging parents struggle and they want to help them because they care.
Do I care enough to tell Grandpa that he should not be driving because his vision is more limited than it used to be, or do I care enough to trust that he will choose to stop driving before he gets into an accident? It gets complicated.
A fine line is drawn between respecting the rights of others to choose for themselves, and recognizing when they are no longer capable of doing so.
I know a lady who is living alone and has been for two years. Shortly after she and her husband moved to town, he was admitted to the long-term care facility. She is sad, perhaps even depressed. We had a number of storms this year that drove snowbanks against the door of her house, and made the trek to visit her husband almost impossible much of the time. She knew how much he depended on her company and she felt guilty when she was not able to see him.
This lady has an option. She could move into a small apartment where she had the company of other people, and from where she would be able to visit her husband despite the weather. But she refuses to do so.
The question is whether this lady has chosen not to move because she is somewhat incompetent, or whether she is refusing to move for reasons that her family and friends do not understand. Once people start to doubt the competence of their parents and grandparents, they are at risk of running interference with others’ lives more than might be necessary.
In this country we have legislation protecting the rights of everyone, including the elderly, to self-determination. Declaring someone to be incompetent for making decisions within their own best interests is difficult, as well it should be.
Before wondering if an older person is losing touch and beginning to be a bit irrational, we might want to try listening a little more effectively to that person. Only then can we ask our physicians and our courts to challenge their competency.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
