Q: How can a person tell if he delivers abuse or is the victim of it? I accept responsibility for some of the problems in my relationship with my spouse, but I don’t think I should be blamed for everything.
I tried explaining my feelings to my spouse on several areas of our relationship, but they were either argued about or totally disregarded. We also tried different counsellors, but each time my spouse disagreed with what the counsellor thought we might try working on in our relationship. I haven’t given up on the relationship because I still have strong feelings about it. I also feel our children would be better off if we as adults could solve our problems.
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I’ve tried hard to make things better. I have also tried hard not to let things bother me. But that resulted in emotional highs and lows. The stress of this left me physically ill at times and unable to concentrate on my job. I moved out on my own to try and stay balanced emotionally as a person. I miss my children a great deal because I left them behind. During this flood of emotions, I was made to feel that I should be responsible for my spouse’s happiness, or lack thereof.
Wife had affair
The fact that my partner was out enjoying herself socially, both partying and drinking on her own in mixed company, didn’t help. An affair on her part didn’t help as well, especially when that relationship has continued as a “friendship” to this day.
I am a man. And men are considered to be the abusers in our society. I’ve also been told that if a man feels he is being abused in a relationship, he probably deserves it. So am I really abusing her and should I just trust her more? It’s pretty confusing. I’m concerned and confused about the question I raised at the beginning of this letter. Could you give us confused men some insight?
A: Abuse is abuse, regardless of who does it. Yes, men tend to be the abusers in marriage, mainly because of false social beliefs that reinforce it. 1) The belief that men need to be in charge of or in control of the relationship and the partner. 2) The belief that a woman is meant and required to serve or take care of a man. This treats women as property, rather than independent, thinking persons. These beliefs are centuries old and are still believed by too many men.
Women also abusive
Women can be abusive as well, usually using emotional or verbal tactics. Although any woman can be abusive, such behavior by women toward men is a small fraction of what women experience from men. This is mainly because of the false beliefs that reinforce men’s abusive behaviors.
Healthy relationships show respect and acceptance. Minor problems, weaknesses or mistakes by one partner are tolerated by the other, and not used as ammunition later. In healthy relationships, neither partner feels responsible for the other’s feelings. We need to respond to our partner’s feelings and actions and accept that our partner feels as she does, rather than challenge, ignore or discount her feelings.
We have the right to challenge our partner’s actions when they are harmful to us, but we don’t have the right to abuse her. Abuse never justifies further abuse.
