Q: My husband and I have been on the farm for most of our married lives. I am tired of it. I want to move into town. But my husband, who loves his farm, refuses to move. We are at an impasse and it is having a terrible effect on our marriage. What should we do?
A: This farm couple is caught in a conflict about their personal dreams. They are in danger of falling into an irresolvable power struggle that could hurt both of them.
If they get into the struggle and he has his way, she might do everything possible to make life on the farm miserable.
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If she gets her way, he could be equally determined to make life in town miserable. Either way, no one wins when they are caught in a power struggle.
The truth is that within their marriage this couple has a number of options. To discover them they have to get beyond the general nature of their dreams.
The wife must ask herself what she imagines doing if they leave the farm and move into town.
She said in her letter that as she gets older, she struggles to get up on cold winter mornings to go out to feed the cows. If she looks beyond her dream of moving into town, she may discover that all she really needs is a little more free time to do what she wants to do. Free time may be more important to her than moving into town.
She also said that her husband loves the farm that he has built up over the years. Perhaps what he loves is the opportunity to get up in the mornings and to look out at the beauty of the land that he calls his own. Farming is just an excuse to enjoy it.
When they tell each other what is behind each of their dreams, they open the doors to compromises.
It takes considerable time and effort to go beyond our dreams and avoid power struggles in our marriages.
Couples need to set aside time regularly, perhaps even daily, to meet with each other and talk about their dreams.
Each person should have the freedom to talk without criticism. Some couples prefer to do it with a marriage counsellor around to make sure that neither of them gets offended. Significant exchanges between the listener and the talker are important.
A marriage is like a three legged stool of his, hers and ours. When all three parts are given equal value, steadying the stool on even ground, even the most difficult conflict can
be resolved.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
