Freelance Columnist
opinion
Do you want your relationships with others to improve? If so, apply the principles and research results gained from industrial psychology to those relationships.
This research came up with two major findings, which have been proven again and again whenever they’ve been tested. 1) People respond positively to being noticed and recognized in some way. 2) People respond much more positively to praise and compliments than to criticism.
If this works for industry, doesn’t it automatically work for families? No, it doesn’t. Why not? Because families are families! Families are complex groups of people who have a history of complex emotional relationships going back as long as they have lived. Because of this long-term closeness, most family members find it hard to look objectively or dispassionately at a situation. Instead, they react instantaneously at an emotional level. And their emotions are more than likely negative ones.
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Why? Positive experiences don’t bother us. They aren’t irritating. But things that go wrong irritate us. And, instead of just accepting these things, family members tend to look for who was responsible. When things go wrong, especially in families, everyone feels a need to blame.
How you are perceived
Many parents or partners feel it is their job to correct or improve another family member. And then they wonder why things don’t improve after all the effort they put into trying to make that other person better. But it’s not how you want to come across, or how you think you are coming across to another person that is important. It’s how that other person perceives you that counts.
If you come across with criticism or blame, the other person will quickly become defensive. Despite the fact you may want to help them, they’ll see you as attacking them. Instead of motivating them positively, your action will only put them on guard.
A person may only be achieving 50 percent of his/her potential at a task. But if you criticize for this, potential and performance will drop. On the other hand, if you note the worth and value of what he/she is achieving at that moment, you will likely motivate him/her to do even better.
Why? Because we all want recognition. We all want to be noticed. We all want to feel important. And we don’t feel important when other people point out all our faults or weaknesses. A pat on the back is a much more positive motivator in life than a kick in the butt.
Yes, it takes more effort and discipline when you’re dealing with the complex emotional relationships of families. But results can be achieved if each family member is treated as a person of worth, a person capable of taking on responsibility appropriate to his/her age. Try telling people what they are doing right rather than what they are doing wrong. Try it. It works.
