Q: Things have been pretty rough for all of us this past year.
My dad died somewhat unexpectantly. He was overweight, he smoked and once he left the farm, he did little to keep himself active.
Still, he was only 59 years old and that caught all of us off guard. I am not sure that anyone took this whole thing harder than did our mother.
I added it up this morning. My dad died over a year ago. But if you looked at my mother you would think that the whole thing hit her yesterday. She is no different than she was at the funeral. She is sad and depressed, and all she can talk about is the pain that overwhelmed her when she got the news about Dad.
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I am reasonably certain that she does not sleep well at night. She looks tired most of the time. I know that my mom needs to have opportunities to grieve, all of us do, but I am worried. This is a little more than is reasonable. My children lost their grandfather. I don’t want them to lose Grandma too. What can we do?
A: I don’t think that there is a time limit on grieving, especially when someone is dealing with the unexpected loss of a loved one. That your mom will grieve until she too passes is entirely possible.
Nonetheless, I appreciate your worries about your mom. You have every right to be concerned. At this point in time in your family’s history, you might want to talk to your mom’s family physician and encourage him or her to make a referral a consulting psychiatrist for your mother.
Despite her grief, your mother needs to look after herself better than what she appears to be doing. I am not sure where the line is but somewhere along the way, your mom appears to have slipped from grieving into something called complicated grief.
Grieving is healing. Through our grieving we start to accept the reality of the loss of someone about whom we cared greatly, as painful as that might be, and we start to adjust to a different world, one that is continuing on without our loved one to appreciate it.
When the grief is not healing, as appears to be the case for your mom, it runs interference with what is important for your mom to consider if she is simply to survive.
This is complicated grief. People who fall into complicated grief do not eat properly, they tend to struggle with insomnia and they are obsessed with the loss of those who were important in their lives. They need professional help.
If the psychiatric consult agrees to work with her, your mother can expect the doctor to prescribe useful medication for her as well as referring your mother to professional counsellors in the mental health clinic.
Together, the medication and the counselling could be the impetus your mother needs to help her grief move from a hindrance in her life to an opportunity for personal growth, and that of course could well bring back the grandmother you would like to have around for your children.
