Q: I am a semi-retired farmer who came from Europe as a young man. I have many brothers and sisters back there and keep in touch by mail or e-mail.
I am in my 50s and am single after having been married twice. I lost my first wife to cancer after 15 years. We had five children, the youngest of which is still at home with me.
Shortly after her death, I met what I thought was the dream of my life. I made a big mistake. We went for marriage counseling many times. I filed for divorce two years ago, and it recently became official.
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Finding a decent woman to spend the rest of my life with is my greatest wish. But why are some women so ruthless? I met three possible candidates in the past while. The first disappeared after I dated her twice. The second broke up after three months. We went our separate ways but still talk on the phone regularly. I really loved the third one, but I was still legally married at the time. She also said she didn’t want to change her lifestyle. When I noticed her going out with somebody else, I broke off with her. I’m thinking of going to Europe to seek companionship. I’m tired of being alone.
A: You may be trying too hard. Yes, it’s nice to have a life companion. And it’s important that the relationship has affection and commitment. But if you come on too hard and too fast “looking for a wife,” you may scare away some women who want to start by being friends. Women may be wary of an older man who is looking for a partner, fearful that he is really looking for a work-mate and a housekeeper.
Since you have e-mail, you are on the internet. Check on some of the chat lines for widows or widowers. Correspondence is a good way to start getting to know someone. Get involved in other mixed activities in your community, such as at churches or community service or social clubs. There are many places people can meet others, but if you assume that you will be rejected, even as a friend, it will likely happen.
Two books – Rebuilding by Bruce Fisher, and Life After Loss by Bob Deitz – will help you recognize the emotional steps you have to take to move beyond your loneliness.
