Q: My son married a girl from the city about three years ago. We always thought that she was a lovely girl and we were excited when he brought her and her own son out to the farm to live.
Lately, she has been complaining a lot. I am not sure why. My boy gives her just about everything that she wants, she is able to come and go as she pleases and her son seems to fit in with the other kids in the school. Do you have any idea what is going on? I think that she said something about him controlling her too much. I am sure that all my son wants is for his wife to care about him a bit.
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A: This is a touchy subject and one that your son and his wife are going to have to figure out for themselves.
My guess is that despite the generosity your son has shown to his new wife, he may be cutting her off from what she needs the most. That, of course, is the opportunity to be her own person.
From her point of view, she and her boy gave up everything when they moved to the farm. They gave up their home, their friends and a way of life to which they had grown accustomed.
When they were living in the city they probably looked at the farm as a wonderful place to which they were planning to move.
I doubt that they even thought about how important their own lifestyle was for them, and probably did not realize it until they moved to the farm and started to miss their friends and family. But she has made a commitment and now she feels trapped by it.
As unfair and unreasonable as it sometimes appears to be, generosity is not always what it is thought to be. It is not always the most important part of a marriage if it is lost in an expectation for a return favour.
If, for example, your son is giving his wife free and easy access to his credit card, he is, in a way, purchasing her care and appreciation.
Unfortunately, that seldom works. Most of us love and appreciate people for who they are, not for what they do for us, and we may resent those who think that they
can control our own sense of love and appreciation.
If your son wants his marriage to work, he has to start by making sure he is being the person he wants to be. He has to like himself for who he is and he has to become more of that person. The risk he is taking is that what he admires about himself may not be the same as what his wife likes about him and that could present problems.
But the option, for him to sacrifice his own being, is more likely to bring hurt and despair to both of them than it is to help make their marriage work.
Your son also has to listen more effectively to his wife. This does not mean that he has to bend over trying to please her.
On the contrary, the less he does, the better it is. But while doing less, he has to know what she is thinking, feeling and dreaming. The more his wife believes that he understands what she is all about, the more likely it is that she will work to make things better for herself.
All of us want to be recognized and appreciated and we receive that when we believe that someone is listening to us. It is that simple.
When people believe in themselves and listen effectively to their partners, they can make just about any marriage work.
Should your son and his wife have trouble doing that, they might consider seeing a marriage counsellor to help them through their difficulties.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@
producer.com.
