Q: I am concerned about my daughter, who is in her 30s. A few years ago, her boyfriend of just a few days moved in to live with her. About nine months later they had a child.
At first, marriage was discussed, but only briefly. After our grandchild’s birth, she told us there would be no wedding. Both sets of parents felt a wedding would be a good thing, but did not pressure them. Since then, she hasn’t mentioned it. As parents, we feel we shouldn’t get involved, but need to let them sort it out for themselves.
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They said they felt marriage was an antiquated ritual of hocus-pocus that has no significance or benefits these days, and that marriage vows of commitment, love and honor have no meaning. To her, all that is required to make a relationship succeed is communication skills. She also told us that living common-law instead of being married gave them and their child more legal rights, freedom and tax breaks. She had never expressed those ideas before meeting him.
Our family has always been close, phoning often and getting together for holidays, birthdays, picnics. Since being with him, she seems to want to distance herself from the rest of the family.
They are always invited to family events. She comes with our grandchild, but her boyfriend seldom attends. I sometimes feel he doesn’t like our family, but I don’t know how to change this.
We are concerned about the disadvantages this arrangement will have on our grandchild. We don’t understand our daughter’s change of attitude about marriage. Is marriage totally meaningless, as she says?
Is the common-law spouse entitled to all the same rights and monetary gifts as our other children and their spouses? Does the common-law spouse have any legal responsibilities to the family? At what point does the boyfriend become the “common-law spouse”?
My husband believes we should call her boyfriend our “son-in-law” for our grandchild’s sake. I’m uncomfortable doing this. It seems like lying to me. I believe the title and position of son-in-law in a family is earned through marriage. Also, I’ve always thought that unless you are born into it, marry into it, or are adopted into it, you are not really family, but just “friends of the family.”
A:Although you may not understand or even like your daughter’s action, remain uninvolved. I don’t know why your daughter shies away from a marriage commitment. The pregnancy may have been a surprise and unexpected, and she may feel she has more personal freedom as a woman by remaining single.
Her partner’s reluctance to be part of your family may be partly because he doesn’t feel accepted totally as her partner, something you could call him if you are uncomfortable with son-in-law. That title is accurate, and also describes her relationship with him.
Whether he is her “husband” or not, he, your daughter and your grandchild are a family in their own right. Can you decide to welcome him as a full member of your family, even though they aren’t legally married? Your daughter’s partner is part of your family, although you can’t control the degree to which he wants to take part in it.
If you accept him as such, and put aside your personal views about marriage, he may be more at ease with you. Which is really more important, that the couple become legally married, or that they have a commitment to be together and raise their child in a loving family?
Some common-law marriages are strong. Some people may not need a ceremony, whether civil or religious, to make a personal commitment to someone. But for many others, the decision to make those marriage vows in front of a judge or clergy and witnesses, gives them the support and conviction they need to maintain that commitment in more difficult times.
One caution, however. Difficult times do not include being abused by your partner, since in any healthy relationship you are dealing with a mutual commitment, that of caring and loving your partner, but also of loving and taking care of yourself.
The idea of family has changed much in the last number of years. Single families and gay families are family relationships. Regardless of how one feels religiously or biblically, these relationships are part of our modern world.
