Q: Last summer, my brother came home and told us that he is gay. The results have been devastating. My mother immediately tried to make an appointment to send him to a mental health counsellor, to “fix” him. Dad has not talked to my brother since he made the announcement and will not let any of us mention my brother’s name around the house. He will not stop in for a visit at my brother’s when we are in the city. Dad just says that I had better not be like him and then stomps out of the room. It is tense around our place, not a happy family, and it is driving me crazy. Sometimes I hate my brother for telling everyone about himself and causing so many problems in the family. I do not know what to do.
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A: Your brother did not cause any problems in your family by announcing to everyone that he is gay. What he did was stumble on problems that were already there, and by announcing his sexual orientation, he made those problems more obvious.
Good parents recognize that their children have strengths and abilities sometimes different than their own. They nurture their children’s strengths, recognize their unique abilities and encourage them to be their own persons as they mature.
Difficult parents set specific expectations for their children. They want their children to be as they think they should be, and they get angry when the kids do not meet their expectations.
Hockey dads sometimes swear at their kids when they refuse to sign on for another hockey season in the fall. Moms become desperate to make sure their daughters do not get pregnant before they get into college.
Some parents have been known to disinherit their children when they turn their backs on the farm and take careers in the city.
Telling your family that he is gay meant your brother was telling your father that he was not going to live up to Dad’s expectations. He declared independence, and your dad did not like it.
This is significant for you as well. Whether or not you are gay is irrelevant. It is important that you decide for yourself who you want to be as a person, and what you would like to do for the rest of your life.
You have to do so free from your father’s expectations, but you can expect some of the same anger if you choose a life for yourself for which your father does not approve.
If we lived in a different world, both your parents would go for counselling to resolve some of their difficulties. That is not likely to happen. I suspect that your parents see themselves as being victimized by your brother’s sexual preferences and that neither of them is prepared to understand that they need to change.
That being the case, I hope you will consider counselling for yourself. A good counsellor will give you the support and encouragement you are not getting at home.
You need it to mark a path that will give you the opportunity to engage in a rewarding and satisfying lifestyle.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
