Q: I have a problem with my son. He is 3 1/2 years old, was toilet trained and doing well, or so I thought. But lately he has been messing his pants. My husband and I think that he is reacting to a new child who is in the house and for whom I am providing day care. What should we do?
A: I assume that your child does not have any physical or emotional disabilities. When you have concerns about a child, a useful place to start to explore them is with a complete physical from the family doctor.
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Most of us know about the terrible twos, and how our children will often be a bit defiant shortly after they grow out of infancy.
What is commonly forgotten is that many children go through a similar stage, although not so profound, when they are about four years old.
If they are living in homes with a touch of stress, similar to that stress caused by this mom who is taking in children for day care, their reactions at four might be more noticeable, but not otherwise significant.
In other words, stresses in the home do not necessarily cause regression, which is a form of defiance, but they might intensify it.
To deal with this moment of regression, parents need to stay the course.
In this case, the mother could talk to her son and let him know that she expects more from him. She might even make sure that he takes bathroom breaks when he is involved in an activity. But otherwise, his routines should stay as they are. Mealtimes and bedtimes should be constant and defiant behaviour should not be tolerated. He can play with his usual group of friends, and he can romp with Mom and Dad before his bedtimes. Nothing else changes. The more stability in his life, the more readily he will adjust to the new child his mom is babysitting.
The problem here is more with the difficulty that Mom is having than with the difficulties she is having with her child. It has to do with what she is expecting from herself and her child. Sometimes we forget that as wonderful as our children are, none of them is perfect. As hard as we try, none of us is the perfect parent.
If you have not had moments when you have been discouraged by your children, been embarrassed by them, or just felt totally inadequate, you probably have never parented.
Parenting is a thankless and difficult job, one that leaves us with some incredible moments of pride and love for our children, and one that sometimes puzzles us. We do not have to feel guilty or embarrassed when things go wrong. It is just part of the package.
And by the way, get used to it. You are likely to have an awkward moment or two at just about every age through which your child passes.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
