Q: When we were at a school case conference earlier today, my husband and I were told that our son is lacking self-esteem.
We were floored. We praise our son as much as we can while making sure that he has all the latest video games and computer access points. We are lost. What can my husband and I do to get our son over this self-esteem hangup?
A: There is not a lot you can directly do to raise your son’s self-esteem.
Self-esteem is something that builds from the inside out, originating in one’s psyche. Only your son can foster his self-esteem.
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However, self-esteem is vulnerable, and while you may be limited to the extent to which you can foster it for your son, you can damage it. Too much of anything, be it criticism or unwarranted praise, challenges self-esteem and leaves your son searching for self-worth.
Remember that his task is to generate his own sense of self-appreciation and praise. You simply encourage it.
Don’t praise or otherwise judge his report card. Ask him how he feels about it. And don’t stop at that. You need a conversation with him to get him to be as specific as he can be about his appraisal of his report card.
If he is satisfied with it, why is he satisfied, and with what is he most satisfied? If he is frustrated with it, what is frustrating him and what might he need to become more satisfied?
Remember that you are asking him not only to assess himself but to discover a way out of the quagmire of dissatisfaction in which he is struggling.
His self-esteem will naturally shift to a more positive orientation once he finds options for himself and explores different ways in which he can behave.
It comes from you listening carefully to your son and letting him find his own way out of his difficulties. It does not come from you telling him what to do. He has a right to succeed and he has a right to fail, and it is that right that is the foundation to self-esteem.
You have another responsibility as parents, one that I have alluded to in many of my previous columns. You have to make sure that you are giving your son the opportunities to be successful.
Does he have his own place at home where he can do his school work? Does your house have quiet times during which the children can work if they choose to do so?
Do you have regular meals and bedtimes that encourage proper nutrition and rest for your children?
Your son may not always choose to take full advantage of the opportunities that you have given him, but his probabilities for doing so go way up if the doors are open for him.
All of this takes time. Self-esteem does not blossom through an overnight miracle. Your son will have to nurture, feed and cherish it much as you do with a bed of roses thriving in your garden.
Over time, and through the frustration of various disappointments, it will, as if by surprise, one day embed itself into his being, and the changes for which you and the school are searching will be automatic.
