Q: My husband and I separated three months ago. We have two children, ages five and seven. My husband wants to have joint custody for the children with equal time between our two houses, one week with him and one week with me.
I am not sure that all of that back and forth is good for the kids but I have neither the time nor the money to get involved in a huge custody battle. Do we have some other options?
A: Your family has all kinds of options. The truth is that children from the many divorced homes have adjusted to a whole variety of custodial agreements.
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Many struggled with the initial shock of finding out that Mom and Dad were separating but the bulk of them adjusted to their new family situation.
Some of the arrangements parents made for their children might have been awkward, moving the kids around from house to house, or even from community to community, but when Mom and Dad buy into their arrangements, they work.
The problem for most kids is not the custody agreement but the degree of animosity between parents. If they make their mutual antagonism an issue, the likelihood of the kids successfully adjusting to the divorce might be difficult.
Marital separation is bathed in hurt and anger. They are powerful feelings and if they hang around too long, they may spill over to the children’s well-being.
Children can get so concerned about what is happening to Mom and Dad that they are unable to look after themselves, make friends or keep up with their school work.
Their developmental tasks are frustrated, leaving them with their own hurt and disappointments.
You and your husband need to come to term with your feeling about your separation without involving your children in the emotional aftermath.
Spend time talking to a counsellor, keep in touch with your good friends, try to enjoy your time at work and make your home a place of love and devotion.
The two of you then might be able to endorse a custody agreement that will serve the best interests of the children while respecting their relationships with each of you.
