With so many experts filling the void these days you would think that the option for a perfect marriage was just around the corner. Unfortunately, not all of those with the wisdom about marriage agree.
Perfection is illusive. Most of the experts argue in favour of increased and improved communications between couples, but that is where their agreement with each other ends.
Some experts tell us that men and women are intrinsically different from each other and that we should expect more nurturing from women and more productivity from men.
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Others tell us that we need to increase romantic flavours in
our daily lives to improve our relationships. Some say that we have to resolve all of our disagreements before we retire for the evening.
Others argue that we should honour those traditional roles that encourage women to stay home with the children.
I am not sure that any of us will ever have perfect relationships with those whom we love the most. Every relationship has
built within it some conflicts. Conflicts can include disagreements on how much money should be spent, whether the children should be disciplined, how much time can be spent with the in-laws and whether we really need to buy that extra quarter section.
What distinguishes a successful relationship is the extent to which the partners let the conflict interfere with their intimate moments together.
In marriages that are struggling the conflicts are problems. They consume just about everyone’s energy supply and they tend to obsess themselves into every corner of the couples’ lives. Often as not, they are the preludes to the divorce courts.
Despite the drop from perfection, most of us can do a lot to improve our intimate relationships and that, in itself, is exciting. What is even more exciting is that it is neither hard nor complicated. Those in successful relationships tend to look at each other when they are talking. They do not look away or gaze at the floor, as do those couples who are in relationships that are struggling.
People in successful relationships may be critical of what the other is doing, but they stop there. They do not get into the character assassinations or ridicule that pervade discussions in the not so successful marriages.
People who are in happier marriages know each other better, and they look forward to the evening discussions when they can find out even more about their spouse.
They share their dreams and encourage each other to pursue that which is important to them. They do not demand complicity and they do not think only of themselves to the detriment of their partners.
Most of us have dreams and expectations for our intimate relationships.
The clearer we are about those and the more we understand the dreams and expectations of our partners, the better are the chances that we will ensure everyone in our relationships have the relevance they deserve.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
