People often try to make two types of changes in their lives. One is impossible. The other is difficult.
Changing someone else is impossible. We might influence others to make changes, but we cannot force anyone to change how he feels or behaves. If their behaviour is harmful, we need to respond in ways that protect ourselves and others.
Many of us are not happy with some things about ourselves. Basic body build or general processes of aging can’t be changed. Some factors, like our weight, can be changed, but only with persistence and time.
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Our behaviours are harder to change. It takes a lot of effort to stop acting a certain way and to replace it with a better way.
The first step is to recognize how we behave, and particularly how our behaviour affects us and those around us. Unless you realize that what you are doing is creating problems, you won’t see a need to change.
For example, some people may drink too much or too often. By doing this, they have less money, tend to argue with people, behave abusively or get into trouble with the law. Yet they won’t change until they are willing to recognize what they are doing and stop blaming everyone else for their behaviour.
Other people may unwittingly encourage someone’s harmful behaviour. When others cover up for someone, he doesn’t face the consequences of his drinking. When people laugh or joke about someone who abuses drinking, it doesn’t make them face the consequences of their behaviour.
I once worked with a psychiatrist who had a card on this desk saying, “you gotta wanna.” This is the first step to make any change.
The second is to learn that we choose how we behave. Some people don’t realize this. They believe their behaviour is caused by their feelings or their thoughts. It’s not caused by them, but is influenced by them. Often the best way to change our behaviour is to change how we think and what we say to ourselves. We can argue with unhealthy thoughts and feelings, and choose a different way to act.
We can also talk our problems out with someone we trust or who has helpful information. These people can’t change us. Only we can do that. But it can help to turn to someone else for support on this task, such as a volunteer in a support group, such as AA or Al-Anon, a pastor, a counselor or a close friend. These people can direct and guide us in how to learn about and change our thoughts, feelings and attitudes. They are available. We only have to choose to make use of them.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
