Q:At the end of the month, my dad is going to move into our house. He has not been doing well since my mom died. I am a little worried. I have seen people turn bitter when they start to look after members of their family. I don’t want that to happen to us. What can we do to keep things on a positive track?
A:The bitterness you see in families looking after each other usually comes when people assume that they know each other better than they do. People change over time, just as you changed when you left home. You cannot pretend to know everything about your dad.
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We have a paradigm that will help you get to know your dad better when he moves in. It is built around four spheres in your father’s life: his physical well-being, psychological self, social connections and spiritual commitments.
Insist on a complete medical checkup once your father moves into the house. That will let both you and him know if he needs a special diet, different medication and/or new glasses and hearing aids. It may also identify possible problems.
You and your father need to put together a list of his favourite foods and an outline of his sleeping habits. The two of you will work better together when you know his preferences.
Your dad’s psychological self can be identified through a simple question: what can he do for himself or others that helps him to feel worthwhile. If he also gets praise from you or others, that is great but not essential. Reaching his own expectations is more important than pleasing others.
At your father’s age, he has earned the right to be selective about his friends. People who are aging are often forced into relationships with one other. That strategy might work for young children in a daycare, but leads to bitterness and resentment in the elderly.
Your job is to make sure that your father has a chance to mingle with those his age. The rest is up to him
Finally, your dad’s spiritual needs may be met through his church, meditation or intimate discussions with loved ones. This is your dad’s opportunity to make sense out of his life and prepare for the final step in his journey.
Spirituality for Dad is important and something you need to support and encourage.
As you and your father work through the four spheres, the two of you might form a better relationship than you have ever had.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact:
