Q:When I was visiting my parents last week, I found my father in tears. He had just slapped my mom.
This is not like my dad. He always has been a loving and gentle man and for the past three years, he has been looking after my mom. She had a sudden and severe onset of Alzheimer’s disease.
I think that my dad has been overwhelmed with the stress of looking after Mom and that he lost control of himself one day and hit her. I want to help but I am not sure what to do. Do you have any suggestions?
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A:The easy solution is for you to take care of your mom when possible and give your father a break from his responsibilities.
Unfortunately, if your father is like most caregivers, he is not likely to agree to your efforts to care for Mom. He wants to do all of it himself.
Your best bet to help your father is to encourage him to do a better job of looking after himself. Caregivers are notoriously self sacrificing.
People who are your dad’s age visit their family physician on average seven times a year. People your dad’s age who are also caregivers will see their family doctors only four times a year. They are otherwise too busy looking after their husbands or wives to tend to their own medical needs.
Your dad’s journey to self maintenance begins with his sense of humour.
No one is suggesting that he make light of your mom’s disability. However, he will feel less stressed and less likely to break down, as he obviously did when he slapped your mom, if he can have a little fun while caring for her, or even just see that somewhere in the complexity of her disease is a silver lining or a blessing.
Your dad was likely involved in a number of activities before your mom became ill, either in his hobby room or chatting with his friends in the community. He is probably less involved now.
Studies tell us that more than 60 percent of caregivers participate less than they previously did.
Your dad can occasionally get help to look after your mom, either from his family, home care or a day program in the seniors’ centre.
Taking a few hours off every now and then and letting someone watch over your mom may help him reconnect with life as he once knew it. Self worth picked up from friends and hobbies is a miraculous antidote to stress.
Structure is also important. The progression of illness is unpredictable, putting irreverent demands on caregivers to sacrifice regular bedtimes and family supper hours. Caregivers eat when they can and often grab only a few hours of rest in between the need for help from those in their care.
The temptation is to completely let go of any routine in the home and let life unfold as it will. But that is stressful. The more your father is able to keep some sense of order about the house, the more likely he will manage his stress level.
Your dad also needs feedback. He may get so caught up in whatever is going on with your mom that he will ignore his own stress levels or signals of depression. You will likely see them before he does.
Be gentle, but let him know when you see his stress. Perhaps the two of you can melt the frosting before your dad once again loses control with your mother.
•Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease can be a complex task. Every community has agencies and services that can help.
•ALBERTA: 866-950-5465 E: mail: ahuhn@alzheimer.ab.ca
•BRITISH COLUMBIA: 800-667-3742 E-mail: info@alzheimerbc.org
•SASKATCHEWAN: 800-263-3367 E-mail: info@alzheimer.sk.ca
•MANITOBA: 800-378-6699 E-mail: alzmb@alzheimer.mb.ca
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
