Q: I am just sick. We had a call from the school today telling us that our son is one of a group of kids bullying other boys. Obviously, this cannot continue, but I am not sure what to do about it. Our son is in Grade 7. He should know better by now, but he doesn’t. What can we do to smarten him up?
A: Your son does know better. Schools these days start talking to children about bullying when they are in Grade 1, sometimes when they are in kindergarten. The kids get lectures about it every year. They know their stuff so well that many of them could teach the course themselves.
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But what children do not always know or appreciate is that each person who walks the corridors of their schools is a miracle of creation. That is what the bully has to learn and that is what you as a parent can help your son understand.
As he learns to appreciate the value of each person he encounters, your son’s tendencies to discriminate against those who might be different dissipates and his inclination to be the bully disappears.
Here is an interesting way of looking at it. Bruce Lipton, a cell biologist who has taught in schools of medicine at the universities of Wisconsin and Stanford, tells us that the human body is made up of approximately 50 trillion cells. That is overwhelming.
It makes each of us as complex and amazing as the universe is. Just moving one of your fingers to point your way uses thousands of cells, all under the guidance of an integrated electronic network capturing signals from your visual, auditory and sensory abilities. It is amazing. Why anyone would want to hurt another person, and disturb such a phenomena is a perplexing question.
The starting point for your son is with himself. He needs to know what a marvelous creature he is. We know from our work with bullies that they do not think highly of themselves. As they begin to appreciate their own self worth, they develop an intrinsic respect for others. It is an inoculation against bullying, one that you can help your son develop by encouraging him to successfully challenge his school work, chores and whatever talents he has.
Success brings rewards that can displace whatever return he was getting from bullying.
Your son’s school is expecting you to admonish him for being rude to other children. I suspect that you are looking for the right consequences and ways to encourage him to hang around with more pleasant kids.
Understand that none of the negative consequences you intend to use will work until your son integrates them into respect for both himself and others.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
