The Little House on the Prairies has taken a new twist.
Moms and dads are dealing with unique and sometimes difficult situations. Dad and his kids get together with Mom and her kids and everyone is struggling to make this into one big happy family.
Often as not a number of people in the new home are confused. Dad’s rules do not quite fit with Mom’s rules and the kids are not sure how they are supposed to relate to each other. Is that my sister or is she even a friend? To add to the confusion, at least one former spouse is sitting in the background, just as confused and scared as everyone else.
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It takes about five years for everyone new to a blended family to settle into their relationships. What needs to be understood, and what is often overlooked, is that the biological relationships between parents and their children should be respected, for Dad’s children is still their primary parent in the home, just as Mom for her children is still their primary parent. They are going to treat their own children differently than they are the stepchildren and, try as they might to be fair to everyone, their natural biases will to some extent take over.
That is the difficult side of the new family. The more positive side is that the blended family gives everyone opportunities they might never have had. They have a chance for domestic stability that is just a little easier to build when Mom and Dad agree to some fundamental rules on household management.
Regular bedtimes, meal times, curfews and respect for each other are not too much to ask, and with the structure in place, each person has an opportunity to develop naturally.
The beauty of the blended family is that it gives each child a chance to find in the other parent a new friend from the adult world.
The other parent may not have the same level of responsibility for child care, but she can listen to the child when he is struggling with those inevitable challenges that come with growing up. But the opportunity is only tentative. If stepmom and stepdad get caught in a struggle with each other, trying to figure out which of them is right, they miss the chance they might have had to befriend the other’s children. If Mom tries to be Mom to Dad’s kids, and if Dad tries to be Dad to Mom’s kids, everyone is in trouble, and the opportunity for friendship slips away.
Blended families are built on dreams. Mom and Dad and some of the children fantasize that Christmas is a joy and each birthday is a celebration. Successful blended families are those that are patient with their dreams.
Those who try to make things happen too quickly just might have a few problems. It takes time.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
