Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: Our second girl doesn’t like school. She thinks she works hard, but we see it differently. We and her teachers know she could do a lot better. She’s quiet at school and at other homes. But she fights with us every day, saying we’re unfair.
She eats, sleeps, showers and leaves. That’s it. She won’t help with chores and often tells us what stupid parents we are. She feels no obligation to keep any agreement she makes with us. She has plenty of freedom, perhaps too much. She’s supposed to be in by 2 a.m. That’s later than her older sister’s curfew was. But she gets home when she wants to. She’s been out as late as 6 a.m. She feels using our car is her right, not a privilege.
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My husband and I stick together on parenting issues. I find it hard when he has to put in long hours farming and I’m left to cope alone. It’s hard to deal with her behavior. She won’t see a counsellor. We worry about how the constant bickering affects our younger girls. They see that her behavior tends to get things for her. She has no hobbies. She just watches TV and listens to tapes or CDs.
I’m not blameless. Even with the best of intentions, I blow my cool and say mean things. We start a discussion trying to be reasonable. She accuses us of being totally unreasonable, we think that’s exactly what she is being. She seems to believe we owe her everything, and that she owes nothing in return.
A: Stop trying to reason with your daughter. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person. Stop trying to talk things out with her. There’s no use talking to someone who’s not listening. You have a rebellious adolescent.
Do the following: 1) Tell her you’re not going to argue with her any longer. 2) Give her clear, written guidelines of the minimum you expect from her. Don’t negotiate with her since she’s obviously not willing to do so. You’re the parents and it’s your home. That’s all the authority you need. 3) Cut off all her privileges, especially the use of the car. Give her a clear, written guide as to exactly what she has to do to earn privileges, including the car. Spell out exactly what happens if she abuses a privilege, such as coming in after your curfew. Give her a take-it-or-leave-it message.
Every privilege has a responsibility. Spell out clearly the responsibilities she has to carry out to receive her privileges. Use “time-outs” as soon as she starts to argue or you feel irritated by her behavior. Walk away from her as soon as she starts to argue, even if you have to go for a walk outdoors. Instruct your younger girls to do the same.
Only when all the family starts to ignore her negative acting-out behaviors is she going to have any reason to give them up.
