Q: The other day I saw a man in a wheelchair struggling to make his way down a street that was still messy from our late spring snowstorm. I did not know him because he is new to our town, but I took a chance and reached out to steady his chair as it was wobbling through the ruts. The guy blasted me with foul language and pushed off as fast as he could. I can’t see that I did anything wrong but I am still upset by it. What do you think?
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A: You were being considerate but he wanted you to be sensitive. When you are being considerate you try to help people deal with what you think are difficulties in their lives.
When you are being sensitive you are tuning into the feelings of other people and trying to understand what they think are difficulties in their lives. The difference is who is defining the problem, you or them.
Many people with disabilities have had doctors, nurses, rehab workers and others being considerate and telling them what is in their best interests. Sometimes it gets to a point where people with disabilities wonder if they have any control over their destinies at all. They want, more than anything, the freedom to make their own decisions and look after themselves. They want independence.
That makes them no different than us. All of us want to walk the road to personal autonomy.
A person with disabilities may be more sensitive about his independence than others are. Therefore, when you reached to help, from his perspective you were being insensitive. He likely saw you as being intrusive, infringing on his sense of independence.
Who knows, maybe he was feeling good about making his own way down that slushy sidewalk? Perhaps he was trying to prove something to someone, or maybe he just wanted to see how far he could go on his own when the weather was bad.
Don’t get me wrong. I admire you for being considerate. The world would be a nicer place if more people were more considerate. You just forgot one step when you reached out to help the man in the wheelchair – you forgot to ask him what he wanted. If you had added that to your considerate gesture, both of you would likely have been more satisfied when meeting each other on a cold and wet prairie day.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
