When a person states a fact, but does not clearly state the feelings associated with it, two things can happen.
The person listening takes it as fact, fails to recognize the emotional importance of the statement, and reacts accordingly.
When this occurs, the first person often feels ignored.
This may not have been the case if the first person had delivered a complete message.
For example, one person says: “the trash baskets are getting full,” but nothing else.
The other person may disregard the comment. Yet, the first person believed that he was expressing displeasure at the fact the trash had not been emptied, and wanted the other person to do that.
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So what happens? The first person is angry and upset because, from his perspective, he was
ignored.
Let’s try another scenario. The first person says, “the trash baskets are getting full,” thinking out aloud, so as to remind herself to get the job done soon.
The other person hears this and assumes the first person is angry because the trash hasn’t been emptied. The second person empties the trash reluctantly, but feels he has been criticized for not doing the job earlier.
All three parts of the communication need to be expressed – the facts, the feelings and the desires.
If the first person had said, “the trash baskets are getting full and it’s starting to bother me,” problems can still occur.
The person still hasn’t said what he wants to happen.
If the person had added “and I’m going to empty them after supper,” or “and it’s my responsibility to deal with them,” then it is clear what he wants.
But if the first person doesn’t complete his thought, then the second person still isn’t sure whether it’s a reminder to empty them, whether he is in the doghouse, or even who is expected to empty them.
Check on your communication by listening to your comments.
First, determine whether you want to send a message to someone, or if you are just talking to yourself or venting feelings.
If it is the latter, tell the other person to disregard what you have said.
Second, after you’ve talked to someone, listen to what you said.
What facts did you state? Were they clear? Were they just stated as facts, or were there hidden feelings and desires behind them?
What were the feelings behind your statements and what did you want to happen?
Was it clear to the other person why you said the things you said?
“I would like to,” “I would like you to,” or “I would really appreciate it if you would” are clear, accurate ways to express your wishes.
