Q: My dad was always strict, sometimes almost cruel, with the three of us when we were kids growing up. For the last few years he and my mom have been raising my brother’s youngest son. Dad is different now. The kid gets away with murder. I think that Dad should be more strict with him like he was with us. But when I tell him so, he shrugs it off. What do you think?
A: Sometimes we forget that growing and changing does not stop when we become adults. It is likely continuing for your father as we speak. He may well be a different person than he was when you were younger.
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Studies done in the 1970s tell us that both men and women changed when they reached mid life. Men went from being goal orientated and demanding taskmasters to becoming more sensitive and family oriented.
Women did the reverse. They were changing from being sensitive and nurturing homemakers to becoming more involved in projects and tasks outside the home. It was like men and women were exchanging roles.
This may be what is happening to your dad. He was likely more focused on goals and more demanding when you were a child than he is now. Today, with your nephew, he is more sensitive and nurturing.
These studies done in the 1970s may not describe your generation. The world in which we live today has changed significantly over the past 30 years. The roles men and women are expected to play are different.
Most of the women who I know have their own careers, off the farm. Often as not, during the off season, dads are home caring for the children. They are more nurturing to their children than their fathers were to them.
You might be right that your nephew needs more structure and discipline than your father is giving him, but he also needs to be loved and cherished, and if his grandfather is giving your nephew that, he will not likely stray too far off the mark.
The most recent literature is saying that “tough love” is not as helpful for young people as it was once thought to be.
Certainly young people need to face consequences and be held accountable for their behaviour, but a little encouragement along the way is also helpful.
Your father is in the enviable position of being able to provide both the guidance his grandson needs, some of which he was able to give you when you were younger, and to give to his grandson some of the nurturing he needs to support the guidance.
Perhaps all that you need do is remind your dad that he is now capable of doing both for your nephew.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
