Q: The other night when my wife and I went out, I had too many drinks and got carried away when I was teasing her. She got mad at me. In fact, she is still angry. I tried to explain to her that I was drinking and trying to have some fun but she won’t accept my apology. What else can I do?
A: I am not sure that you actually apologized to your wife. Did you tell her that you regret what you said or that you are feeling guilty about having said it?
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To apologize, you have to accept responsibility for what happened. You cannot blame the alcohol, your wife or other people who were laughing at your performance. It is your fault and your fault alone.
Somewhere in your apology you need to validate her feelings. She is angry because she was hurt by your comments. Someone she counts on for support and encouragement has ridiculed her. She needs to know that you understand how devastating it was.
When apologizing, simply saying sorry is not enough. You will do better by recalling exactly what you said and reassuring her that you do not feel that way.
To add credibility, remind your wife of what you appreciate about her. A few compliments will go a long way to letting her know that you really care about her well-being.
As a final step to your apology, tell your wife what you are going to do to avoid a repeat performance. What are you going to change to prevent this in the future?
Are you going to cut back on your drinks, pay more attention to her when the two of you are out or keep your distance from people who encourage you to be rude?
If the two of you talk about it, you will be able to find a good option.
People apologize for two reasons. The first is to relieve themselves of the guilt and regret they have for their mistakes. The second is to repair the damage done to relationships. Your wife, through her anger, is asking you to look at the second reason and try to make things better.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
