Q: I seem to have a featherweight trigger finger that unleashes a ferocious temper: anytime, anywhere and without a lot of provocation.
It is starting to have some scary consequences. My wife is not threatening to leave me yet, but she gave me the word last night that she is looking out for the well-being of herself and for our children and that it is time for me to get on top of my anger.
She is right. My temper is uncontrollable and no matter how hard I try to sit on it, it gets out and without warning I find myself shouting, yelling, and sometimes going after the people down the street from us. I need to stop. So, where do I go from here? What can I do to sit on my temper, to shackle it to the goal post of hope and understanding?
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A: I think that you need to visit your family physician and ask for a referral to the mental health clinic serving your community. And you need to do that quickly, before you do some serious damage to those whom you love most.
Anger management is at the top of the list of skills for any number of mental health therapists. They can help you.
Until you see a mental health therapist, I hope that you will understand that anger itself is not a problem. It is a normal and natural way for unleashing the energy you need for “fight and flight,” whichever you choose, when you bump into a sabre tooth tiger while wandering through the jungle.
But you have a couple problems. One is that you are no longer living by your instincts in the jungle, so you don’t need that drive to impulsive anger. You are living in a community with rules and regulations and a general expectation that you will be sensitive to the needs of your neighbours, just as they are being considerate of you. That burst of energy bequeathed to you from your pool of anger is a waste.
The second problem is that while spontaneity may have served your ancestors well in the jungle, it does not work in a more civilized world. We expect people in our communities to rationally problem solve, to think things out and to leave the impulsive drive to very young adolescents and otherwise community outcasts. No one expects that from you.
Psychologists have come up with a two-step process that might help you deal better with your temper. It is called mental contrasting. The first part of the process is to encourage you to start imagining what a preferred relationship would look like to you.
I gather from your letter that you are worried about your relationship with your wife. Maybe instead of beating yourself down for blowing it yet again with yet again another temper tantrum, try thinking about what kind of a marriage you would like to have. This would be a great conversation for the two of you.
Once you understand better what you want in that relationship, you can move to the second part of the process, which is asking yourself what inside of you is stopping you and your wife from having that more desirable relationship.
Are you afraid that someday she will leave you? Are you too proud that she will outclass you? Are you jealous because so many more people love and worship her than who like you? All of those possibilities leave you vulnerable to your irrational anger and the probability of a doomed marriage.
Just as your anger is irrational, so are those fears, the ones causing the anger. The more that you can sit down with your wife, and talk about your relationship to each other, and the more that you can dump your idiosyncrasies that are getting in the way of a better relationship with your wife, the sooner will be the day your temper tantrums will slide off the plate of everyone’s agenda.
