Q: I am upset about my brother-in-law. He drinks too much and is usually not pleasant when he does. I think the man has a problem. When my husband tries to talk to him about it, he just shrugs him off. We are no longer sure what to do.
A: Your first task is to ensure your personal safety and that of your immediate family. If you know that your brother-in-law is going to attend a social event you can either refuse to go, leave early before the alcohol starts to kick in, or isolate yourself from him.
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When confronting people who have problems with alcohol, you are battling two issues. The first is denial. Many people who drink too much will deny that they drink at all, let alone have a problem with it. As long as they are into denial, the chance that they will do something to resolve the problem is next to zero.
The second issue is blame. People who struggle with alcohol always have an excuse for their drinking. It is never their fault. They blame their family or work mates or sometimes just the general state of the economy. This way they never have to take responsibility for their drinking, and, of course, they have no reason to get it under control.
Although you and your husband see this man’s drinking as a problem, the unfortunate reality is that he doesn’t.
At this point, your goal can only be to help him understand the extent to which alcohol is interfering in your relationship.
If you tell him to quit drinking he will push you away. But if you let him know that you do not like to be around him when he is drinking, he might begin to understand that he should do something about it.
Don’t nag him, but don’t give up on him. Your message should be consistent, that you are uncomfortable being around him when he is drinking.
If you reach that magical moment when your brother-in-law starts to admit that his drinking is a problem, you can work with any number of resources to help him resolve it. Just about every community has access to an Alcoholic Anonymous program. Health districts have addictions counsellors and alcohol rehabilitation programs are found throughout the prairie provinces.
Remember though, just as it is important for him to help himself, so it is important that neither you nor your husband abandon him when he is recovering.
His challenge is difficult. He needs all the support that the two of you can give him.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
