Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: I lie beside my husband each night, but I wonder if he knows if I’m alive or whether I’m just another pillow on the bed. There are no feelings, no desires, no needs. And when I’m around the house it’s as if I’m just another piece of furniture. And I get about as much attention, if not less, than the furniture.
It doesn’t matter if I dress up or dress down. He doesn’t seem to notice. I hardly remember when he kissed me last, or even gave me a peck. If I hug or kiss him, the response is about like that from a wooden post. Oh sure, we talk about this and that. But personal things are pretty much left out. Sex is also practically out. I wonder, as a couple, are we the norm or the exception? Are most men like that? Is that why there are so many separations and divorces?
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I’m still very much alive. I still want love, romance and a bit of excitement and fun. I’m not ready to sit down and do nothing but knit socks. If a fellow figures a girl is worth chasing, she should be worth trying to hang onto after he’s got her. We’re retired, after raising a well adjusted family. I need some advice on what to do with a man who seems numb to feelings, both his own and mine.
A: I don’t know why your husband’s interest in you has died. It may be that he’s depressed. It may be that your marriage has got caught up in the “taken for granted” rut. It may be that his sexual abilities are declining and he’s embarrassed to discuss it with you. Or, it may be that he feels stressed out or anxious about something, but holds this in, rather than discussing it with you. He has likely locked up his feelings so tightly he may not even know what they are.
Many people, especially men, fail to realize that you have to feed and nurture a marriage on a regular basis. Going out for dates is important, even if you have been married 30 or 40 years. Being a couple involves doing things together, something that is often hard. Even when couples go out to social functions, particularly in rural areas, it is seldom a date. Once they arrive, the men go off to one room, the women to another, and the partners seldom see each other until it’s time to leave. That’s not a date. That’s chauffeuring.
Enjoy time together
Dates don’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Going for a walk, going to a cafe for coffee, going visiting or going for a drive can all be dates for a married couple. The focus of a date is to spend time together. Couples can have dates at home too, as long as they focus on the pleasure of each other’s company. This is very difficult since each partner can quickly slip back into the rut of just “being at home.” It’s important to have some dates outside of the home. But the key to having a date is to focus on the enjoyment of being with your partner.
Since your husband is getting older and should have regular medical checkups, check with your doctor about marriage counselling services in your area. Actually, what the two of you need is better called marriage coaching than counselling. And this might coax your husband into giving you more attention.
