Q: I am a newlywed who found out on my honeymoon that my “wonderful” new husband was an abuser. All of my dreams are shattered and I am having great difficulty accepting it. Is it foolish of me to want him to get more help, when he is finished with a 24-week court-ordered program? I do not intend to see him until he has finished the program, for my own safety and well-being.
We have been married less than a year and I have a restraining order against him at this time. He has not actually hit me, but I know he is capable of it.
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I appreciate the good information you have shared about spousal abuse. You were the only one I have found who said that abusers can change.
A: I am glad you discovered that your husband was abusive early in your relationship. I also hope he works at the program he is taking and decides he wants to become a changed person. Having worked with abusive men, I know that abusers can change, but they must always watch out for the signs of slipping back into their abusive thinking and behaviours. Once a person realizes that power and control work in a relationship, it is easy to slip back into it.
Effective programs for abusive men include followup. Six months is a minimum for a man to realize his need to change and to begin to make those changes.
Ongoing support groups, often self-help led, give men a place to talk about minor slips in thinking and behaviour and get themselves back on the right track. I hope he will seek out such programs, not because he has to, but because he wants to.
Many men use those programs for support, and to ensure that they remain supportive and positive to their partners and in their thinking. They are also much happier with themselves.
Many women fail to realize that emotional abuse, put-downs and having their lives controlled by their husbands are all abusive behaviours.
Perhaps that is why you missed some of the hints of his abusive or controlling attitude during your courtship. Your husband didn’t suddenly change on your honeymoon. He just stopped being phoney and began to be his real self.
Many men think that courting is only needed before marriage, but it is an important part of any on-going healthy marriage, as is honesty about all feelings, both positive and negative, and both to yourself and your partner.
Hopefully, your husband will have learned this in his program.
You may need to become more assertive with him about your feelings and start to recognize your own tendency to placate or give in to him, which women have been unfortunately conditioned to do in the past.
You can be your own person and a loving, caring person at the same time. The key is communication, negotiation and mutual respect.
You may need a period of courtship before you live together again. The courtship needs to focus on exploring materials on marriage enrichment and healthy marriage communication. One book many couples have found helpful is Vitamin C For Marriage by Luke De Sadleer, published by Creative Bound Inc. Also, check out the availability of marriage enrichment or marriage encounter groups in your area. These groups involve sharing and growth, and focus on learning rather than therapy.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
