Q: Shortly after my dad died, we moved my mom from her big house on the farm to a seniors’ lodge so that she could mix and mingle and have some company with other people her own age.
It is a great place. She has her own mini-apartment, can come and go as she pleases and has help with cleaning and laundry and the three meals they provide daily.
But Mom is not comfortable there. She is always afraid that she is going to run out of money and not be able to afford the rent, which by the way is ridiculous, and she is not making as many friends as we thought she would.
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She would like to move, but I have no idea where we could find a place as great as the one she is in. Is there any way in which we can help?
A: I can understand your excitement for the new place that you found for your mom, and I can appreciate the disappointment you feel that it is not as you had hoped.
Perhaps you could check something before you start working with your mom to find a different place for her to live.
The question for both of you is: “how comfortable is your mom living in a communal setting?”
Living in a residence with other people demands a social skill that may not be required to live elsewhere. When your mom was living with your dad in the house on the farm, she could move in and out of social events at will.
If someone bothered her or something got a little tense, she had only to hop in the car and retreat back to the farm where she usually felt safe.
In a communal setting, retreating from whatever is socially awkward is more difficult. Those with whom you might feel uncomfortable are there with you for all three meals.
Your mom is going to have to learn when to make a quiet exit to the privacy of her room and how to do it with grace so that she has not offended those she would rather befriend.
Perhaps you can help her learn what she needs to know.
Your mom is going to have to learn a new meaning for security. When she and your dad were on the farm, the house was paid for and if things got rough, she likely always had a garden and a couple of chickens in the backyard to keep the family going. All that is gone now.
She is in a lodge that is controlled by someone else and she does not have a root cellar to see her through the tough times.
I think that you need to take her need for security seriously and help her set up a series of bonds or savings accounts that she can nurture and watch grow over time. Saving money is a delightful way to build personal security.
And don’t forget to remind your mom how important she is to your family.
She may be in a lodge, and not feeling as powerful as she was when she was at home, but she is still one of the two most important grandmothers your children will have.
The more they thrive on her, the more she will thrive on them and have pictures and stories to share with her new friends at the lodge. This will put all of them on an equal plane and give them an opportunity to enjoy each other.
Perhaps, then, she will want to stay there.
