Q:I have been looking after my mother since my father died 26 years ago. I am getting tired of it. My mom is really selfish. She expects me to be there at a moment’s notice, she never says thank you and she complains about everything and everybody. To make matters worse, no one else in the family will help us. All that I want from my mom and family is a little respect. Is that asking for too much?
A:You are not asking for too much but if no one has shown much appreciation for what you have already done, the chances of them starting now are not good.
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Despite the disappointments you have, compassion and caring will win out and you will likely continue to do what you can to make things comfortable for your mom.
In a book calledWho Has Moved My Cheese,two mice keep going to the same place to get their cheese even though that source for cheese dried up long ago. They would go for their cheese, get disappointed and head home again. One of the mice then decided to look somewhere else. It was a struggle and he ran into more disappointments, but after much persistence, he found his cheese.
This is what is happening to you. You have spent the past 26 years looking for appreciation but maybe you need to look for it somewhere else. If you are involved in the church, you could talk to your priest or pastor about what you are doing. They would likely praise and reward you for your selfless contributions and give you the support you need to carry on.
If your community has a home-care program, talk to the co-ordinator about programs that are available for caregivers. You are not alone. A number of other people sacrifice time and money to care for loved ones. These caregivers often have regular meetings where they share the difficulties they experience while trying to look after others.
If your distress is starting to interfere with your good health and happiness, you can talk to your family physician about the problems your mom is causing. She may refer you to a counsellor.
If you remember that your mother is always asking you for help, you can start to appreciate that it is your turn to seek assistance. The more you can keep yourself in good order, the more likely you will be able to support your mom and not feel bad.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer. com.
