Q:I am getting tired of arguing with my son. No matter what I say to him, he has to debate it, whether it’s bedtimes, meal times, curfews, or simple requests to help around the house. If he was a teenager, I could understand it but my son is only eight years old. Dealing with him is getting to be stressful. Do you have any thoughts about this?
A:The common talk these days is that parents need to spend more time communicating with their children, but sometimes I wonder if people communicate too much with their children.
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Although parent-child communication is important, there are a number of times throughout the day when it is more of a hindrance than it is a help, especially if that communication ends up in a debating match.
Daily routines are seldom enhanced through communication. If 8:30 p.m. is bedtime, there should be no debate when you turn off the television. The more that you explain to your son why he needs to be in bed, the more likely you are to inadvertently extend his bedtime.
The times when communication is not required include bedtimes, meal times, curfews, punishments for being rude and perhaps destructive, and when your child is making a scene in a public place.
The goal is to get your child to comply with your wishes. He can learn to understand the rationale for your demands and debate them sometime later.
Help him understand the reasons for your rules and listen to some of his concerns when you are all relaxed. Some families have weekly meetings during which everyone has a chance to talk without disrupting the routines of the day.
The children can air their complaints and the parents can explain or justify themselves. This is meaningful and useful parent-child communication.
By encouraging your son to talk when it is appropriate, and helping him understand that at times he should control his urge to debate, you are helping him to learn to use his debating talent when it is appropriate.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@ producer.
