Q: Every year on Father’s Day, our grandmother takes my older sister and me to take us to the cemetery to put flowers on our father’s grave. This is getting to be a bit much. Our father was killed in an automobile accident 16 years ago, shortly after I was born. My older sister was still in diapers. Neither of us remembers our father.We would like to honour our stepfather on Father’s Day. He and our mom married three years after our father died and he has been a gem to us. But Grandmother will not hear of it. We have to go to the graveyard and to her house to celebrate the rest of the day with our grandfather, who we rarely see. Why can we not use Father’s Day to thank our stepfather for all that he has done for us? Is that wrong?A: The history of Father’s Day is more in line with what you are thinking than what Grandmother is doing. It is an opportunity to thank someone for what he has done for his family, such as your stepfather has done for you and your sister.Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane, Washington, initiated Father’s Day on June 19, 1910. Dodd’s mother died when all of her children were young, leaving the father to raise the family. William Smart, Sonora’s father, was one of the early single parent households headed by a dad.Life was more difficult for a single parent in those days. There were no support programs for either Dad or the children and there was only limited financial assistance.Smart might have received help from the community, and most likely some support from his church, but he was otherwise on his own, cooking meals on coal and wood kitchen ranges, doing laundry in ringer washers and hanging the wash on outside clotheslines. It was a demanding time.Sonora and her family wanted to thank their dad just as you want to thank your stepdad for all he has done. Your two families are alike in what you want to do.At the same time, you need to respect your grandmother. Your father, her son, was someone she loved and cared about and she needs your support.But you can do both. Why not use Father’s Day to celebrate your natural father while also telling your stepfather how much you appreciate what he has done for the two of you.Speak to your mother. Challenging your natural father’s family is not something you should do on your own. With a little give and take from everyone, you should be able to respect your natural father and give hugs and kisses to your stepdad.Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
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