Q: My former wife and I have been separated for seven years. She has custody of our three children. I get to see them every second weekend and during their summer vacations. Lately that has been a problem. Our two older children are in high school and are more interested in spending time with their friends than they are in coming out to the farm with me. I understand that, but I miss seeing them and I do not want to lose complete contact. Can I do anything about this?
Read Also
Communication key to bridging generation gap
Each generation is shaped by the predominant forces at play during their formative years. Acknowledging these influences can improve communication among the generations.
A: When you and your wife separated, the arrangement you made with the children worked for everyone at the time. But now that your children are older, the original agreement is no longer working. Hopefully you and your ex-wife can look at different options.
You may not get to spend time with them every weekend but you can have regular phone calls and supper dates, trips during school vacation and expectations that you will be there for special events in school or in the community.
Your first task is to better understand what you have to offer your children. You want them to spend time with you because they want to, not because they have to, and they are more likely to come to the farm when they see you with respect.
You have yourself to offer to your children. The more you can look after yourself, working through whatever daily problems come your way and finding ways to keep yourself satisfied with life, the better the chances are that the children will want to maintain a relationship.
Adolescents are known for their defiance, their moment of independence. But don’t let that fool you because they also need guidance.
When talking over the telephone, over supper or through e-mail, you need to listen as they recount their daily adventures. Your goal is to understand what they are telling you.
Once they know they have been heard, they will be more prepared to listen to the guidance or advice you have to offer. The opposite is also true. If adolescents think you are not listening to them, they will tune out once you start trying to give direction to their personal lives.
Your kids are in high school and will soon graduate and need financial support. Heading off to college or further training is expensive. If they choose the job market, they may still need help with transition expenses as they begin to set up their own homes.
The plea for money is sometimes a cover up for the emotional support they need. The world can be a little disappointing and it can get discouraging. Everyone needs a hug now and then just to make things better.
When you are talking to your former wife and looking at different ways to keep in touch with your children, remember that what you set up as a pattern now will continue for years to come. The loss you are feeling when the children do not want to come during the weekend is an opportunity to rebuild that relationship with your children into a lifelong commitment.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
