Q: Sometimes when I am with my friends, I just freeze. I cannot think of anything to say to get involved in their conversation and when I try to say something, I either stop before I start or I say something that is so stupid my friends look at me as if I had just migrated here from another planet.
This is embarrassing. Can you think of anything that might help me talk more freely in the group?
A: You are describing a problem with self-assertion. There are a number of programs that might help you participate more freely when you are with a group of people. None of the programs will help until you do a bit of work yourself. My guess is that when you are with your friends, you are so busy thinking about what you might want to say that you actually lose contact with the people around you.
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You are thinking too much. Thinking is something that we do in isolation. None of us can think clearly when we are distracted by everything that is going on around us.
To think clearly, we tend to pull back from other people or events and bury ourselves in our own thoughts and ideas. We isolate ourselves, even if just briefly, when we are with other people and risk losing contact with them.
We connect with other people through our feelings. You are likely so anxious and uptight when you are with other people that you have no way of knowing for sure what you are feeling. All that you can say with confidence is that you are tense.
You need to learn how to relax in a group. This is a task you can do on your own. Practice deep breathing exercises or muscle stretching at home and use them when you are with your friends.
The more you can relax when you are with other people, the more you will be aware of what you are feeling at the moment and the greater the chance you will communicate feelings to your friends.
When you let people know your feelings of happiness or sadness and worry a little less about your ideas, your friends are more likely to see you as a competent person.
If you are really lucky, you will learn how to laugh. I am talking about the deep belly laugh, the one that engages you in the lives of other people. It encourages other people to laugh with you so they will look forward to including you in their lives and activities.
Laughter is the greatest of social medicines.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
