Q: My wife is one of the most self-conscious people I have ever met. We cannot go anywhere unless she is dressed for the occasion and once we get to wherever we are going, we have to sit in the “right” place and talk only to the “right” people. I love my wife. She is a terrific lady. But this “right” stuff is driving me crazy.
A: You can do a number of things to help your wife, but she may not be interested in changing. If you try to make her into someone she does not want to be, you are probably going to create anger and dissension in your marriage. You have to respect who she is to continue enjoying your time together.
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When a person is feeling self-conscious, she is saying that at times she does not feel safe in the world. She is not certain that other people will love and respect her and she thinks that she has to “make” them love and respect her.
She thinks that she can control their feelings by being, doing and saying the “right” things. This, of course, is fallacious thinking, but it is, nonetheless, her driving force.
The key to help change this is safety. When your wife feels safe within your relationship, she will be less self-conscious. Then she will be able to let her own sense of beauty unfold in a more relaxed and natural way.
Your wife needs to know that she is not being taken for granted and that when she wakes up in the morning, you are there to greet her and you appreciate the contribution she makes to your day. She needs to know that her home is a safe refuge and that when problems come knocking at the door, she can refuse to answer it.
These are tough economic times. but your security is not likely to be drawn from cash in your bank accounts. It is more likely to come from knowing that the two of you can talk about the unexpected and that together you will overcome challenges. Her need for approval will slip into the background once she feels assured of the relationship the two of you have built.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
