Q: I know that my daughter was sexually assaulted by one of her male friends, but she won’t talk about it. She gets up in the morning and goes off to work as if nothing happened. She is not sleeping well so this is obviously bothering her more than she is letting on. I want to help her but I feel so helpless. What can I do?
A: I am really glad that you understand how difficult the whole ordeal has been for your daughter. This is probably the most horrific experience she will ever have. Certainly, it is not an experience that is easily resolved and your daughter is going to need all of the love, support and understanding she can get, both from you and from other people who are important in her life.
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Therapists who work with victims of sexual abuse tell us that healing the trauma associated with the abuse often follows five stages. The first stage is denial, pretending either that it did not happen or that if it did, it is not significant in the person’s life.
This could be the stage at which your daughter finds herself. Who can blame her? This was not an experience she wants to remember, and maybe while she is trying to rebuild her life she should have a few moments to try to put it out of her mind. Talking about the abuse while in the first stage is difficult for anyone.
From denial, your daughter may slip into self blame and self doubt. She may start to think that the whole thing was her fault, which is poor thinking on her part, but something that is reinforced by our social chatter. How often do you hear people complain about young ladies who might dress a bit provocatively, or have two drinks, or catch themselves in compromising positions.
Let’s be clear about this: it was not your daughter’s fault. You need to understand this, and you will probably need to help your daughter also understand that it was not her fault.
The next stage is victimization. Your daughter will begin to understand that she has been violated and that she has a right to feel hurt and angry by all that has gone on. The more she understands this, the better the chance that she will be open to the love and support you are trying to give her.
As your daughter understands that she was a victim, she is more likely to see herself as a survivor in stage four. This is the moment when she begins to appreciate herself for the strength of character and the will to live that have helped her continue after all that has gone on. She is recapturing her personal powers, which were challenged when she was assaulted.
In the final stage, she is likely to be proactive, learning what she can from her ordeal, maybe even pressing charges against her perpetrator, helping other victims, or just appreciating that which is good in her world.
My hope is that your daughter will work with a professional counsellor as she makes her way through the five stages. That does not preclude how important it is that you commit yourself to her healing process. It will take time and considerable patience. You cannot push her through the stages, but you can be with her as she finds her own way out of this, and that, in the long run, will make the difficult journey she is taking more acceptable.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
