Q: I am not sure what to do about my daughter and her father. She is supposed to spend every second weekend with her dad, who lives about an hour away from here, but since she has turned 15 she has been reluctant to do so. She has missed two weekends. Of course her dad blames me and thinks that I am not supporting him, but that is not true. I try to get her to go to his house but she seems to have other things on her mind these days. How can I get him to understand?
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A: When couples separate or divorce the air is often rampant with hurt, anger, guilt and mistrust, none of which encourage rational thinking. Despite the difficult times, couples manage to make decisions on separation agreements, even on the delicate issues of finances and child care.
But decisions need to change as time goes on and as children mature. If animosity persists between Mom and Dad, which it seems is likely in your case, then changing the agreement is hard, but necessary.
The change that you and your former spouse need to make is to move from being the guardian for your daughter’s well-being, protecting and looking after her, to becoming her guide, helping her to make better and wiser decisions for herself.
If your daughter is anything like other 15-year-old girls I know, she is likely not spending a lot of time in your house either. She is out with her friends, spending extra time at school and getting involved with the community.
Here are some suggestions for her dad. Instead of trying to spend every second weekend with your daughter, he could plan to have supper with her once a week and complement that by attending special events with her and taking a few vacations together. They can talk on the phone, by e-mail or even text message to keep in touch.
This way Dad is moving from one who protects and nurtures his daughter to someone who can support and advise her.
Mom can do it, too. You can have a regular time every week to meet with your daughter and to catch up on all that is going on in her life. Your daughter needs to be involved with her friends, her school, her community and her special projects. But she still needs the support, encouragement and wisdom that you and her dad can give.
If you and your former spouse cannot negotiate a system to accommodate the changes in your daughter’s life, you might consider hiring a mediator to help. It will cost a few dollars, but it could save all of you from continued grief down the road.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
