Q: My father was admitted for palliative care at our local health-care facility.
My first wife and my parents spend time together even after our divorce, as do my parents with my present wife. This has never been a problem. Mom and Dad moved into town where they could visit with whom they chose without causing discomfort for me and my immediate family.
But with Dad in palliative care, things are different. We have to make family decisions and we need family time together.
Read Also
Stock dogs show off herding skills at Ag in Motion
Stock dogs draw a crowd at Ag in Motion. Border collies and other herding breeds are well known for the work they do on the farm.
My first wife does not seem to understand this. She is always trying to sit in on our family meetings and she frequently is at the health centre when my present wife and I visit Dad. This is getting uncomfortable. My present wife thinks that I need to stand up to my first wife and ask her to be more respectful of our family rights. This is hard for me to do. What do you think?
A: I think it would be nice if the anger and bitterness had dissipated after your divorce, and that all of you could have an opportunity to say goodbye to your dad without causing so much discomfort.
Unfortunately, the scars of a
divorce often run deep, and as much as we might try to pretend that they no longer interfere with our daily lives, they do.
Nowhere are the hurt feelings more obvious than during those moments when we are with family members who are dying.
Your present wife is absolutely right. As much as you might appreciate the time your first wife and your parents spend together,
she is now on the other side of the boundary line designating your immediate family.
If your first wife’s presence at the health centre is causing discomfort for you and your family, then she has to respect your territory and try to visit when it is not inconvenient for you.
She can only participate in family meetings if you are comfortable with her being there.
I hope you can continue to respect the relationship that your first wife and your father have built over the years, and ensure that she can spend time with him before he dies.
I trust also that you can set your anger aside and that you can talk to your first wife about arrangements to see him.
The key word throughout this difficult time for all of your family is respect. The more you respect other people, the more likely you are to respect yourself.
Given how difficult things are for you and your family, the more you can respect your first wife, your father and his relationship with her, while at the same time respecting your own relationship with him, the more you will likely resolve your father’s ultimate passing with few regrets for anything you might have done.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
