I think we have enough research to know that being socially
connected to our communities, and involved in good interpersonal relationships, does more than make people happy.
Good interpersonal relationships are important to our physical well being. People who are well connected to others generally live longer and live healthier. They tend to be happier regardless of their circumstances and they are more helpful to their neighbours.
As much as people living on the Prairies enjoy their solitude, most who are successful keep everything in balance. They have their times to enjoy being alone, but they balance those with moments with their families and friends.
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Healthy relationships evolve from three interpersonal dynamics. We cannot have relationships with people unless we include them in our lives. We do not make friends by constantly turning down invitations to go out for an evening.
Neither can we have healthy marriages if we keep our spouse in the dark about whatever it is that we are doing.
Having a night out with the boys is great. So is playing in the women’s bonspiel. But if being with the boys or the girls becomes a lifestyle, we might find ourselves in trouble with our marriages.
The second dynamic in a healthy relationship is control. We hear a lot these days about people who are controlling, those who insist on having things their way most of the time. That does not work. Most abusive relationships are all about one person trying desperately to control the other.
Controls in healthy relationships are give and take propositions. Dad controls that with which he is most capable and Mom does the same. When they disagree, they negotiate until they are able to come to some kind of a compromise that will work for both.
No one in a relationship that is working tries to beat the other person into submission. Both of them need to feel that they have some control over what is going on at home.
The third dynamic in a healthy relationship is intimacy. We have a tendency in our culture to confuse intimacy with sexuality.
Healthy sexual relationships are useful, but intimacy involves more than sexuality. Intimacy is built on the ability people have to share with each other their hopes and dreams, fears and anxieties, and that which is exciting and rewarding in their lives. It is an open book in the private library of our personal histories.
Intimacy does not come easily. Most relationships that include healthy intimacy take time to develop. People have to learn to trust each other, depend on each other and, most importantly, continue liking each other.
Be they marital relationships or just good friendships, intimate relationships are usually years in the making.
We are living today in a world that is looking for the quick fix, the instant resolutions to problems and another lane in the fast food market.
That may work in some places, but when we are working on relationships with others, we need
to use time and patience to be successful.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@
producer.com.
